1052011

Its terribly odd thinking back on the last year of my life.. its as though these memories have been rolled up and hidden away.

today i cautiously remove the reel of film from its dusty prison, freeing it from the heavy layer of dust that had gathered upon it trying to disguise it so as not to be noticed. its a funny thing, regret. "how could i not have noticed?" 

How could I believe that you were the best I could ever achieve? How could I think that I was not running away or that doing so would make anything better at all? How could I think that this was what i wanted? How could I have had such little faith in myself...

I open the casing around my reel of memories, letting it fall out of sight. No one can protect me from myself.. The first few frames seem to be distorted, layer upon layer of images on top of each other as if it was intentionally edited that way. I know better, it's indicating the inability to identify one single point in life that seemed to lead to the rest. There was no "one moment" rather a large quantity of bottled emotions, the result not unlike a mass of fireworks tied down to the same post - lit all at once... Explosive.

Its strange, the brain. We use it every second of every minute in each hour of the days we live, and yet we barely understand its capabilities... When I think back to all of these times all I get are bits and pieces, to recover the full story the original script is needed. I re-read my plans, my words, my thoughts. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Its as if these things, never happened. That person, isn't me. This life... can't be mine. Can it?

 How could I have been so immature, so insecure, so unsure about myself or the people in it? I loved people who abused it, and took advantage when they saw they had leverage. I trusted people I barely knew, because what? We had similar "interests"? Because our social lives led us to surround ourselves in the same crowd? How could I confide in people who barely even trust me enough to leave me alone with someone they have feelings for? Am I really that terrible of a person?

I look back on the last few months depicted accordingly by the individual frames. I barely ever display a real smile anymore... instead it almost looks more like a cringe, a grimace, as if I had smelled something unpleasant. I recall losing a lot of people I thought cared about me, and realizing that maybe my infamous quote: "my friends are my family" was just a one sided opinion because obviously no one else saw what I saw or felt what I felt. I pull more quickly at the tape on the reel and in each frame I see confusion becoming a constant variable upon my tanned face, made red by frustration and the hot Las Vegas sun.

Maybe that's why I chose the paths that led me no where, I could not see where I was headed in the first place...

I remember missing all of you while I was there. Not that "all" consisted of all too many people to begin with...

1&2. I have been friends with the both of these girls since basically birth, I consider them family more than anyone else I hold close relations with, without needing to have any blood ties. We can literally go months without talking to each other and not be mad in the slightest because we know that when the time comes it will give us more to talk about. I love you both with all my heart.

3. One friend I've had since elementary school, a girl I believed to be strong in mind, body, heart, and soul. Who didn't give a fuck about what you saw when you looked at her because you either accepted her as is or you didn't come around. Who I barely ever hear from, or see anymore. You didn't let hostility slip in through the cracks because you had no cracks or broken edges. You were rough on the surface but I always knew you had a soft spot... i miss you.

4. One girl I met through work a few years back, I believed her to be a free spirit, a small body concealing a heart of gold... not a stomach full of pills topped with a side of drama spewing from the tip of her tongue. I miss the old you, the girl who could take a drive for hours and end up somewhere new each time. Maybe I just never knew you well enough, but I miss you all the same.

5. A boy. I already made a post dedicated to this individual. He's still got me head over heels... I think that may be another cause of my frequent face to floor greetings.

6. My Family. 

I'm back. Living in good ol' New York.. Lonely due to lack of a social life, now that all the people I made connections with have gone back to school. Stuck with an empty space I can't seem to fill in the pit of my chest, a smile I convince myself is real each day, and the motto "IDGAF" replaying in my head as I hide myself behind my perfectly rosy cheeks, hair extensions, and fake eyelashes... Walking down the street on the way to work, a job I got through connections- not something I earned in the slightest:

I just wonder, now that I've closed in on the end of what has filled my movie so far... how do I continue? how do I know who to let in, who to trust? What are the signs of someone dangerous? How do I close a door without slamming it in their face? How do you live, without living? How do I see if I'm terrified of what will appear in front of me? What or who do I listen to when the world is full of self absorbed liars?

It's all smoke and mirrors.

91211

What do you do when someone you love has a terrible addiction? What do you do when you see that person losing themselves.. traveling down a path you may have walked not too long ago? What do you do when they curse you till they're blue in the face and tell you that you've already lost them, stay out of their life? Are they a bad person for not considering the well being of the people who love them and how their problems may affect us? What am I supposed to think, are they selfish? Does that make me selfish for thinking that?? Does it make me a bad person for not understanding?? How do you love someone who does not love themselves?

The worst part of it all is after days of not speaking what do you do when they apologize? A heartfelt half apology, they still aren't seeing it from the other side yet. They don't see how anyone else has been affected yet because they haven't crossed the line from acceptance to recovery.

What do you do when you see your mother falling, do you stop and catch her? Or shouldn't that be where someone else is standing...

91111

Worst feeling in the world:

 When you tell the person you have feelings for you miss them and the response you get is ".. aww"

Realizing that you lost the love of your life, and it was your fault.

Knowing you gave up because you were too afraid to try to work through the difficulties.

Seeing how petty materialistic insignificant celebrities make the biggest impact amongst our modern lives.

When my cat walks all over my keyboard, high on catnip, while I'm trying to type..

Or when that cat lays on top of my lap, while my laptop is in it.

Losing internet connection.

Rivers + Roads

a year from now we'll all be gone
all our friends will move away
and they're going to better places
but our friends will be gone away

nothing is as it has been
and i miss your face like hell
and i guess it's just as well
but i miss your face like hell

been talking bout the way things change
and my family lives in a different state
and if you don't know what to make of this
then we will not relate
so if you don't know what to make of this
then we will not relate

rivers and roads
rivers and roads
rivers 'til i reach you

Build Me Up

I used to have fun, I used to be spontaneous, I used to know people with connects, I was never alone but always in solitude, I used to have friends,  I used to run the town, I used to be known for being "that crazy bitch who..", I used to be insecure, I used to go on rampages and not sleep for nights at a time, I used to play like it was my god damn job. I used to believe in you, I used to wish for the best, I used. I was used. I am a dirty rag; now through me in the wash and use me again.

"Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realise that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door"

Just listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gvZ7dhBepI

992011

I haven't been able to stop listening to Florence and the Machine all morning.

My body is sore and aching,  my head feels like I have a brick for a brain, and to top it off my throat is scratchy so attempting to sing is out of the picture. None of this will stop me from keeping in motion! I wish I could release emotion from my body like colors that could fly up into the sky and freeze the world in awe and wonder.. I wish peace, love, and freedom were concepts of truth and not just hopeful thinking. I wish for happiness. I wish for a life surrounded by those I love and who love me equally, not one of solitude. I'm tired of feeling alone, let's reach out to the world.