mme

10242011

I've caught myself wondering quite often lately, if there's something wrong with me..

"there must be" i keep hearing this repeat over and over. its the only explanation:

for why when i try to be there for you, you disappear the moment i need someone to confide in.

for why when i try to be honest with you, you in turn lash out at me

if you had fangs, venom, claws, or powerful jaws I'm sure I'd be at their mercy

there must have been something i've done to you, for you to be so... unscathed by the pain you cause

for why i must find out from an acquaintance that you're spreading trash about me behind my back.

this wasn't just the first time, you've ignored my calls, my texts, told all my secrets, but pretended that it was all fine

but you must have a reason for not wanting to explain this all to me

for deleting my contacts and demanding I DO NOT TALK TO HIM....

oh right, because you're a 

crazyfuckingdruggedupphsycoticbipolarfuckingmessofatrashymotherfuckinghomewreckingcrackedoutbitch.

its not me its you, you're just flushing anything good you've ever had down the fucking toilet and sitting watching as the fucking water spins in the bowl because your too fucking high to realize you've just hit rock fucking bottom cunt.

to: BRH

from: EMM xox

101011

i had the strangest dream last night.

i was in an aquarium, gravity did not exist.

every motion graceful, fluent. like waves in the ocean.

i was swimming right through the air, watching the fish swim in pace with me behind their glass cages.

i wandered the corridors alone, passing groups of other people slowly floating passed.

i admired them yet found myself attempting to avoid them, ashamed at my lack of companionship.

i continued onward, enjoying the simplicity of my explorations.

in my escape i found myself in a gazing upon a face i don't believe i had seen yet still struck me as familiar.

off in the distance our gaze meets.
i had been passing through an exhibit i had already seen and now began to make my way towards the exit.
only now he is there, waiting. expecting... me?

he takes my hand and pulls me towards him as an elevator door closes behind me.
our eyes now unwavering as we gazed into the depths of the others.

his were blue, pale like the sky on a sweltering hot summer day.
his hair short, but long enough to bury my fingers beneath. 
his body was broad and toned, he appeared much larger than i.
he wore a light blue button down, it accented his shape and brought out his eyes.
blue faded straight leg jeans, brown leather belt. nice shoes. he was a man, grown, matured. strong.

he put a hand on my cheek and the other on my waist and i waited for the next moment to inevitably take my breath away...

i open my eyes and daylight is peaking back at me through my tiny basement windows. 
my back stiff from having fallen asleep on my couch yet again.

i understand that the "floating through an aquarium" can never happen, but whyyy can i not be left asleep to continue these wonderful sorts of dreams??
and where is my mr. perfect??

1052011

Its terribly odd thinking back on the last year of my life.. its as though these memories have been rolled up and hidden away.

today i cautiously remove the reel of film from its dusty prison, freeing it from the heavy layer of dust that had gathered upon it trying to disguise it so as not to be noticed. its a funny thing, regret. "how could i not have noticed?" 

How could I believe that you were the best I could ever achieve? How could I think that I was not running away or that doing so would make anything better at all? How could I think that this was what i wanted? How could I have had such little faith in myself...

I open the casing around my reel of memories, letting it fall out of sight. No one can protect me from myself.. The first few frames seem to be distorted, layer upon layer of images on top of each other as if it was intentionally edited that way. I know better, it's indicating the inability to identify one single point in life that seemed to lead to the rest. There was no "one moment" rather a large quantity of bottled emotions, the result not unlike a mass of fireworks tied down to the same post - lit all at once... Explosive.

Its strange, the brain. We use it every second of every minute in each hour of the days we live, and yet we barely understand its capabilities... When I think back to all of these times all I get are bits and pieces, to recover the full story the original script is needed. I re-read my plans, my words, my thoughts. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Its as if these things, never happened. That person, isn't me. This life... can't be mine. Can it?

 How could I have been so immature, so insecure, so unsure about myself or the people in it? I loved people who abused it, and took advantage when they saw they had leverage. I trusted people I barely knew, because what? We had similar "interests"? Because our social lives led us to surround ourselves in the same crowd? How could I confide in people who barely even trust me enough to leave me alone with someone they have feelings for? Am I really that terrible of a person?

I look back on the last few months depicted accordingly by the individual frames. I barely ever display a real smile anymore... instead it almost looks more like a cringe, a grimace, as if I had smelled something unpleasant. I recall losing a lot of people I thought cared about me, and realizing that maybe my infamous quote: "my friends are my family" was just a one sided opinion because obviously no one else saw what I saw or felt what I felt. I pull more quickly at the tape on the reel and in each frame I see confusion becoming a constant variable upon my tanned face, made red by frustration and the hot Las Vegas sun.

Maybe that's why I chose the paths that led me no where, I could not see where I was headed in the first place...

I remember missing all of you while I was there. Not that "all" consisted of all too many people to begin with...

1&2. I have been friends with the both of these girls since basically birth, I consider them family more than anyone else I hold close relations with, without needing to have any blood ties. We can literally go months without talking to each other and not be mad in the slightest because we know that when the time comes it will give us more to talk about. I love you both with all my heart.

3. One friend I've had since elementary school, a girl I believed to be strong in mind, body, heart, and soul. Who didn't give a fuck about what you saw when you looked at her because you either accepted her as is or you didn't come around. Who I barely ever hear from, or see anymore. You didn't let hostility slip in through the cracks because you had no cracks or broken edges. You were rough on the surface but I always knew you had a soft spot... i miss you.

4. One girl I met through work a few years back, I believed her to be a free spirit, a small body concealing a heart of gold... not a stomach full of pills topped with a side of drama spewing from the tip of her tongue. I miss the old you, the girl who could take a drive for hours and end up somewhere new each time. Maybe I just never knew you well enough, but I miss you all the same.

5. A boy. I already made a post dedicated to this individual. He's still got me head over heels... I think that may be another cause of my frequent face to floor greetings.

6. My Family. 

I'm back. Living in good ol' New York.. Lonely due to lack of a social life, now that all the people I made connections with have gone back to school. Stuck with an empty space I can't seem to fill in the pit of my chest, a smile I convince myself is real each day, and the motto "IDGAF" replaying in my head as I hide myself behind my perfectly rosy cheeks, hair extensions, and fake eyelashes... Walking down the street on the way to work, a job I got through connections- not something I earned in the slightest:

I just wonder, now that I've closed in on the end of what has filled my movie so far... how do I continue? how do I know who to let in, who to trust? What are the signs of someone dangerous? How do I close a door without slamming it in their face? How do you live, without living? How do I see if I'm terrified of what will appear in front of me? What or who do I listen to when the world is full of self absorbed liars?

It's all smoke and mirrors.