tothoseilove,

 this is how you make me feel

:)

121511

To new friends, great times, good tunes, and that tingling feeling you know we all just shared.

121411

Band of Horses

madison square garden

yesterday was amazing.
i think i fell in love with music all over again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShMkLMUvmpI

12311

friends

would you rather have a friend that is brutally honest with you, simply because they care about your well-being and the fact that they trust you will always understand that their opinion is simply that: an opinion. but in order to have a completely unbreakable friendship you need to understand that if you feel strongly about something (whether it be bad or good) you should never hold it back from each other.

or would you like to have the friend that says what they think you want to hear just too keep you "happy"...

12411

I've been having these really strange dreams again. I would like to believe that they are symbolic of my longing to "start over" as many people who have made mistakes do wish. Just this past week one of my dreams royally freaked me out; I was me but I knew this version of myself must have been an imposter. Her thoughts were dark and depressing, morbid would be the perfect description of her. She had hidden "things" in an abandoned warehouse. For some reason when this "me" disappeared from my body I found myself fighting the urge to find this secret hiding place, desperately wanting to discover her secrets. Instantly I was walking in the dark, cobwebbed hallways of this very building. Odd, I thought that though this place seemed strange and new yet familiar as if following a path left by the last explorer. I found things I never wished to see and in an attempt to destroy of this version of myself and the evidence of her, I burned the warehouse down...

then I went out for lunch with my guy of interest and some random fill in dream people.

I woke as soon as we all sat down.

mme

10242011

I've caught myself wondering quite often lately, if there's something wrong with me..

"there must be" i keep hearing this repeat over and over. its the only explanation:

for why when i try to be there for you, you disappear the moment i need someone to confide in.

for why when i try to be honest with you, you in turn lash out at me

if you had fangs, venom, claws, or powerful jaws I'm sure I'd be at their mercy

there must have been something i've done to you, for you to be so... unscathed by the pain you cause

for why i must find out from an acquaintance that you're spreading trash about me behind my back.

this wasn't just the first time, you've ignored my calls, my texts, told all my secrets, but pretended that it was all fine

but you must have a reason for not wanting to explain this all to me

for deleting my contacts and demanding I DO NOT TALK TO HIM....

oh right, because you're a 

crazyfuckingdruggedupphsycoticbipolarfuckingmessofatrashymotherfuckinghomewreckingcrackedoutbitch.

its not me its you, you're just flushing anything good you've ever had down the fucking toilet and sitting watching as the fucking water spins in the bowl because your too fucking high to realize you've just hit rock fucking bottom cunt.

to: BRH

from: EMM xox

101011

i had the strangest dream last night.

i was in an aquarium, gravity did not exist.

every motion graceful, fluent. like waves in the ocean.

i was swimming right through the air, watching the fish swim in pace with me behind their glass cages.

i wandered the corridors alone, passing groups of other people slowly floating passed.

i admired them yet found myself attempting to avoid them, ashamed at my lack of companionship.

i continued onward, enjoying the simplicity of my explorations.

in my escape i found myself in a gazing upon a face i don't believe i had seen yet still struck me as familiar.

off in the distance our gaze meets.
i had been passing through an exhibit i had already seen and now began to make my way towards the exit.
only now he is there, waiting. expecting... me?

he takes my hand and pulls me towards him as an elevator door closes behind me.
our eyes now unwavering as we gazed into the depths of the others.

his were blue, pale like the sky on a sweltering hot summer day.
his hair short, but long enough to bury my fingers beneath. 
his body was broad and toned, he appeared much larger than i.
he wore a light blue button down, it accented his shape and brought out his eyes.
blue faded straight leg jeans, brown leather belt. nice shoes. he was a man, grown, matured. strong.

he put a hand on my cheek and the other on my waist and i waited for the next moment to inevitably take my breath away...

i open my eyes and daylight is peaking back at me through my tiny basement windows. 
my back stiff from having fallen asleep on my couch yet again.

i understand that the "floating through an aquarium" can never happen, but whyyy can i not be left asleep to continue these wonderful sorts of dreams??
and where is my mr. perfect??

1052011

Its terribly odd thinking back on the last year of my life.. its as though these memories have been rolled up and hidden away.

today i cautiously remove the reel of film from its dusty prison, freeing it from the heavy layer of dust that had gathered upon it trying to disguise it so as not to be noticed. its a funny thing, regret. "how could i not have noticed?" 

How could I believe that you were the best I could ever achieve? How could I think that I was not running away or that doing so would make anything better at all? How could I think that this was what i wanted? How could I have had such little faith in myself...

I open the casing around my reel of memories, letting it fall out of sight. No one can protect me from myself.. The first few frames seem to be distorted, layer upon layer of images on top of each other as if it was intentionally edited that way. I know better, it's indicating the inability to identify one single point in life that seemed to lead to the rest. There was no "one moment" rather a large quantity of bottled emotions, the result not unlike a mass of fireworks tied down to the same post - lit all at once... Explosive.

Its strange, the brain. We use it every second of every minute in each hour of the days we live, and yet we barely understand its capabilities... When I think back to all of these times all I get are bits and pieces, to recover the full story the original script is needed. I re-read my plans, my words, my thoughts. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Its as if these things, never happened. That person, isn't me. This life... can't be mine. Can it?

 How could I have been so immature, so insecure, so unsure about myself or the people in it? I loved people who abused it, and took advantage when they saw they had leverage. I trusted people I barely knew, because what? We had similar "interests"? Because our social lives led us to surround ourselves in the same crowd? How could I confide in people who barely even trust me enough to leave me alone with someone they have feelings for? Am I really that terrible of a person?

I look back on the last few months depicted accordingly by the individual frames. I barely ever display a real smile anymore... instead it almost looks more like a cringe, a grimace, as if I had smelled something unpleasant. I recall losing a lot of people I thought cared about me, and realizing that maybe my infamous quote: "my friends are my family" was just a one sided opinion because obviously no one else saw what I saw or felt what I felt. I pull more quickly at the tape on the reel and in each frame I see confusion becoming a constant variable upon my tanned face, made red by frustration and the hot Las Vegas sun.

Maybe that's why I chose the paths that led me no where, I could not see where I was headed in the first place...

I remember missing all of you while I was there. Not that "all" consisted of all too many people to begin with...

1&2. I have been friends with the both of these girls since basically birth, I consider them family more than anyone else I hold close relations with, without needing to have any blood ties. We can literally go months without talking to each other and not be mad in the slightest because we know that when the time comes it will give us more to talk about. I love you both with all my heart.

3. One friend I've had since elementary school, a girl I believed to be strong in mind, body, heart, and soul. Who didn't give a fuck about what you saw when you looked at her because you either accepted her as is or you didn't come around. Who I barely ever hear from, or see anymore. You didn't let hostility slip in through the cracks because you had no cracks or broken edges. You were rough on the surface but I always knew you had a soft spot... i miss you.

4. One girl I met through work a few years back, I believed her to be a free spirit, a small body concealing a heart of gold... not a stomach full of pills topped with a side of drama spewing from the tip of her tongue. I miss the old you, the girl who could take a drive for hours and end up somewhere new each time. Maybe I just never knew you well enough, but I miss you all the same.

5. A boy. I already made a post dedicated to this individual. He's still got me head over heels... I think that may be another cause of my frequent face to floor greetings.

6. My Family. 

I'm back. Living in good ol' New York.. Lonely due to lack of a social life, now that all the people I made connections with have gone back to school. Stuck with an empty space I can't seem to fill in the pit of my chest, a smile I convince myself is real each day, and the motto "IDGAF" replaying in my head as I hide myself behind my perfectly rosy cheeks, hair extensions, and fake eyelashes... Walking down the street on the way to work, a job I got through connections- not something I earned in the slightest:

I just wonder, now that I've closed in on the end of what has filled my movie so far... how do I continue? how do I know who to let in, who to trust? What are the signs of someone dangerous? How do I close a door without slamming it in their face? How do you live, without living? How do I see if I'm terrified of what will appear in front of me? What or who do I listen to when the world is full of self absorbed liars?

It's all smoke and mirrors.

91211

What do you do when someone you love has a terrible addiction? What do you do when you see that person losing themselves.. traveling down a path you may have walked not too long ago? What do you do when they curse you till they're blue in the face and tell you that you've already lost them, stay out of their life? Are they a bad person for not considering the well being of the people who love them and how their problems may affect us? What am I supposed to think, are they selfish? Does that make me selfish for thinking that?? Does it make me a bad person for not understanding?? How do you love someone who does not love themselves?

The worst part of it all is after days of not speaking what do you do when they apologize? A heartfelt half apology, they still aren't seeing it from the other side yet. They don't see how anyone else has been affected yet because they haven't crossed the line from acceptance to recovery.

What do you do when you see your mother falling, do you stop and catch her? Or shouldn't that be where someone else is standing...

91111

Worst feeling in the world:

 When you tell the person you have feelings for you miss them and the response you get is ".. aww"

Realizing that you lost the love of your life, and it was your fault.

Knowing you gave up because you were too afraid to try to work through the difficulties.

Seeing how petty materialistic insignificant celebrities make the biggest impact amongst our modern lives.

When my cat walks all over my keyboard, high on catnip, while I'm trying to type..

Or when that cat lays on top of my lap, while my laptop is in it.

Losing internet connection.

Rivers + Roads

a year from now we'll all be gone
all our friends will move away
and they're going to better places
but our friends will be gone away

nothing is as it has been
and i miss your face like hell
and i guess it's just as well
but i miss your face like hell

been talking bout the way things change
and my family lives in a different state
and if you don't know what to make of this
then we will not relate
so if you don't know what to make of this
then we will not relate

rivers and roads
rivers and roads
rivers 'til i reach you

Build Me Up

I used to have fun, I used to be spontaneous, I used to know people with connects, I was never alone but always in solitude, I used to have friends,  I used to run the town, I used to be known for being "that crazy bitch who..", I used to be insecure, I used to go on rampages and not sleep for nights at a time, I used to play like it was my god damn job. I used to believe in you, I used to wish for the best, I used. I was used. I am a dirty rag; now through me in the wash and use me again.

"Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realise that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door"

Just listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gvZ7dhBepI

992011

I haven't been able to stop listening to Florence and the Machine all morning.

My body is sore and aching,  my head feels like I have a brick for a brain, and to top it off my throat is scratchy so attempting to sing is out of the picture. None of this will stop me from keeping in motion! I wish I could release emotion from my body like colors that could fly up into the sky and freeze the world in awe and wonder.. I wish peace, love, and freedom were concepts of truth and not just hopeful thinking. I wish for happiness. I wish for a life surrounded by those I love and who love me equally, not one of solitude. I'm tired of feeling alone, let's reach out to the world.

bonbons

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v​=8yf5L74ITSk&feature=related

best song ever.

7122011

I remember the tingling sensation of your hands upon the slightest touch of my skin, our bodies craving for more. I remember the smile I would display not only from my lips, but emanating from my eyes in bright rays as if it was the first time I'd set them upon the sun. Never before could I say that I understood what it meant to “smile with your eyes”. I remember how your words would flow seamlessly, like one of my favorite songs, and how in return I would find myself stumbling over my own. I recall the heat of your gaze, your breathe.. on the back of my neck. I remember how we would dance beneath the trees, exploring each other and the earth beneath our entangled bodies. No time of day, sun or shine, would stop our choreography.
What a beautiful display... that love was. What a beautiful movie I replay for myself only.
Today I thought I would share it. Today I think it is my time to breathe again.

xoxo-
emm

7132011

I just moved out to Las Vegas, NV with my.. boy-friend? I suppose that would be the most convenient term even considering we're not technically dating. Well the job he got here requires he works 12-13 hours a day 7 days a week, not only that but he has to go out of state for 5 days either every week or every other week. which in turn leaves me here unemployed, broke, and alone... I hate being alone the most of all, not that I'm entirely alone, I do have my pet kitty "George" :D but he only provides so much entertainment and company. Anyway I'M AT A LOSS! The situation just keeps flowing over and over in my head: alone broke unemployed car-less alone broke unemployed alone alone alone. sigh...

I simply feel as though if you love someone; would you be willing to leave them? For a career that you don't necessarily want to pursue but may provide a decent amount of cash after about six months?! Six months!!! Six months.. of being alone, without the person who supposedly would do anything for you?? I just don't see how this can be okay in the long run...

"sometimes you cant control the outcome, sometimes you have to look at the reality of things and just accept it."

april twentysixth

I've been working on improving my "self-image" for years, and although I have definitely improved from my former state of mind I can't help but find myself frequently put down by all of these skinny mini beauties posing delicately for a photographer who will post their many tiny creations to TUMBLR for the rest of us (normal/average weight) girls to slowly disect... Although I can be momentarily consoled with the thought that all of these models have been photoshopped in one way or another, the idea of a perfectly perfect- everything is much to great to subside for extended periods of time.

It's terrible that I myself, and many others like me, can't feel comfortable in our own skin due to the image of a perfect body being so absolutely dufficult to obtain. I'd have to join a gym, go at least 3-4 days out of my week; count calories, drink a ton more water, possibly even pick up a dietary suppliment to assist me in my mission to perfection.... sigh. I suppose it's a good thing I've been promoted back to full time and will be working off commision, time to start saving money for my future spendings :P

xox EMM

april fifth twothousandeleven

I probably shouldn't be announcing these things publically, but who's really following me anyway? Exactly...

So i had court today, to discuss my felonizing convictions and the substantial punishments i should now suffer. Other than not being able to drink alcohol upon my 21st birthday, I am no longer allowed to smoke pot or do any sort of mind altering drugs/substances.

FIRSTLY: i got pulled over Feb 8th 2011, still 20 years old. my birthday: March 5th.. FUCKMYLIFE.

It's been about a month since i've been clean off Marijuana. I found it surprisingly easy to keep myself from rolling up a blunt or hitting my bowl simply by supporting the few head shops i know that sell "legal weed". AMAZING discovery, creation, whatever you might call it I definately would not be where i am now without it. Although i do suppose that this would be considered a "mind altering substance" it conveniently does not show up on my weekly drug tests!!

how fucking wonderful.

Anyway, the judge today decided to bargain me down from my original convictions. THANK THE FUCKING LORD. or else i may have been sent off to jail for at least two weeks! how terrible.. i wouldn't last three days in a cell with some other locked up bitches.

my misdemeanor: posession of controlled subtances - will be reduced to disorderly conduct.
posession of marijuana - will be dropped upon good behavior for the next six months.
underage drinking & driving - will have my liscense suspended for the year (to which i will fight and ask for a conditional so as to be able to drive to work/school/group counseling)
AND i will have to pay a lovely fucking fine up to $850 by my next court date: MAY 16th

i have TONS of clothing and shoes i'm willing to sell in order to make some extra cash, please follow me and i'll post pics :)
help a sister out??

About Me

I’m loud/obnoxious
I’m sarcastic
I’m cocky
I’m insecure
I cry easily
I have a bad temper
For the most part i don’t like people
I’m easy to get along with
I have more enemies than friends
I have more friends than enemies
I have smoked cigarettes
I have smoked weed
I clean my room daily
I drink coffee

My appearance:
I wear makeup
I wear a piece of jewelry at all times
I wear contacts
I wear glasses
I have braces
I change my hair color often
I straighten my hair often
I have at least one piercing
I have at least one tattoo
Relationships:
I believe in love at first sight
I believe lust is more important than love
I’m in a relationship now
I’m single
I’m crushin’
I’ve missed an ex beforeI’m always scared of being hurt
An ex has physically abused me at least once
An ex has emotionally abused me at least once
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did
I’ve been in love more than two times

Friendships:
I have a best friend
I have at least ten friends
I realize there is a difference between true friends, and people you simply have a good time with
I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend
I’ve beaten up a friend
I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend
I can trust at least 5 people with my life

Experiences:
I’ve been on a plane
I’ve been on a train
I’ve been physically injured in public
Someone close to me has died
I’ve taken a taxi
I’ve taken a city bus
I’ve taken a school bus
I’ve gone bungee jumping
I’ve made a speech
I’ve been in some sort of club
I’ve won an award
I’ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight
I’ve been in a physical fight

Music:
I listen to R&B
I listen to DUBSTEP
I listen to country
I listen to pop
I listen to techno
I listen to rock
I’m one of those people who play songs repeatedly
I hate the radio
I download music illegally
I still buy CD’s

Television:
I spend at least six hours a day watching television
I watch soap operas daily
I’m in love with Days Of Our Lives
I’ve seen and liked the O.C.
I’ve seen and liked One Tree Hill
I’ve seen and liked Americas Next Top Model
I’ve seen and liked Popular
I’ve seen and liked 24
I’ve seen and liked CSI
I’ve seen and liked Everwood


Family Life:
My biological parents are still together
I get along with both my parents
I have at least one brother
I have at least one sister
I have at least one step brother/sister
I have at least one half brother/sister
I’ve been kicked out of the house
I’ve ran away from my home
I’ve sworn at my parents
I’ve made my parents cry
I’ve lied to my parents
I’ve walked out when I’ve been grounded
I’ve snuck back into my house after running away/being kicked out

Hair:
I’ve been brown
I’ve had streaks
I’ve cut my hair in the past year.
I’ve dyed my hair in the past year.
I’ve been blonde. 
I’ve had black.
I’ve been red.
I’ve been light brown.
I’ve been medium brown.
I’ve been blue/green.
I’ve gotten my hair thinned.
I use conditioner.
I’ve used silk therapy.
I’ve used hot oil treatments.
I’ve curled my hair.
I’ve straightened my hair.
I’ve ironed my hair.
I’ve braided my hair.

School:
I’ve yelled at a teacher
I’ve had an in-school suspension
I’ve walked out of class
I’ve skipped an entire day of school
I’ve skipped a whole month of one certain class
I’ve failed a test
I’ve cheated on a test
I’ve helped someone else cheat on a test
I’ve failed Art
I’ve failed P.E.
I’ve failed math
I’ve failed science
I’ve failed another class
A teacher has called my parents

i'm losing my mind

You’re not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense.
This girl you met, she isn’t perfect either.
But the question is: Whether or not you’re perfect for each other.
That’s the whole deal, that’s what intimacy is all about.
Now you can know everything in the world sport,
But the only way you’re finding out that one is by giving it a shot.

this is probably the most difficult thing to learn and accept. slowly but surely i’m working on it, attempting to take my significant other with all his faults and insecurities the same way i hope he’s doing for me.. i realize now that everyone is at least a little torn and bruised, no body is going to fit the mold of that perfect ken doll.

Life has been slowly unfolding it’s mysteries, right before my eyes.

just alittle bit of me recently

It's so damn cold.. i miss summer!

dream home<3

First Post!

Happy Post New Year!

Its been one of the most eventful beginnings I've had. Old friends lost , new friends found, old relationships rekindled.

I've decided that for at least a the next few months a break from any sort of emotional attachment to the opposite sex is going to be my main focus, or "new years resolution". I haven't been without a significant other since.. maybe... high school. wow.

Sometimes it really hurts to be alone.. just that simple aspect of knowing you have no one to curl up next to. There will be no set of arms waiting to entangle you within them.. why do I always fall for the assholes?

Life has gotten so.. busy in the past two years. so many things have changed, people and their personalities being a major aspect of that. for which i am glad because i always felt that individually most who i associated with didn't have a care in the world for how someone else may be affected by their own actions or words. sigh..